The Advil Tango

The Advil Tango

December 30, 2005, 3:01 am
Filed under: sports equipment

Advil is not just a pill to women athletes, it is equipment. Search the bag of any woman athlete and you will find a bottle or a few pills, tucked away for some future moment of dire need. Whether it gets used for cramps or bangs or strains, it is part of the basic women’s sports toolkit. Coaches buy the really big bottles and put them in their ball bags, they bring them to practices along side the water bottles and bandaids. A few months ago the doctors told me I was different than other women I knew. I had become allergic to advil. The little pill was no longer my friend, in fact, it would only hurt me worse and worse, and I was to stop taking it.

My main doctor, who is a good 10 years younger than I am, was not pleased that I am allergic, because that means there are a whole class of drugs (including aleve) that she can’t give me. It was a pity, and she sounded like she hoped it was not really true.

“Advil’s just the best thing for menstrual cramps,” she told me, “I don’t know what I would do without it.”

She’s a card carrying member of the Advil club, as you can see. She loves advil so much, I have decided to give her a new name. A name that celebrates her world view. Ready? She is Doctor “Advil.” For a brief moment I wondered if I was going to either have to change my lifestyle or go crazy in a world without advil.

Thats when I remembered my life before advil had ever come along. There was an entire world without advil. I know it because Advil only came on the market after I was in my twenties. That seems like it was in the dark ages, and I really couldn’t remember the details of how i lived, so I grabbed my old journals from them and searched deep for what I used to do. I came up with some interesting alternatives I’d like to share them with any of you who are younger than I am. If it turns out you are also allergic, you will know what your options are.

1. Tylenol. Doctor “Advil” doesn’t think this drug works well for menstrual cramps. It does! It cuts the pain by at least half, and that is good enough for starters. I have made it through the last two periods only taking 3 small tylenols per day of cramps.

2. Heating pads. Good old fashioned heating pads actually help relax the cramping area.

3. Don’t force yourself to do stuff. If you have cramps and feel nasty, take some time to yourself. Get selfish. Take the afternoon off. Relax.

4. Eat chocolate if you want to. I think this can help with cramps, but I’m not sure why.

5. Swearing. This is a very important alternative. If you are in pain, show it! Cuss a little. Try and be creative and use word combinations you have never used. Take a bit of a your favorite swear word, and mix it into say, your grandfather’s favorite swear word. The challenge will help you to forget why you are cussing in the first place, and if you are really lucky, you will make yourself laugh. Laughter in turn helps the cramps to go away.

I can’t just write about swearing without having to sign off and cuss a little. See you all soon.

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