Filed under: Media
by Ann Harrison
Me and my fellow cowgirls are waiting for the rain to stop here in California so we can trial ride without our horses getting swallowed up in evil, black mud. We thought we’d kill a little time one afternoon by taking in the new cowboy romance movie, “Brokeback Mountain.”
As the rest of the nation surely knows by now, this is a doomed gay love story featuring a couple of hard body cowboys named Jack and Ennis. Our heroes ride through some fine Wyoming rangeland en route to their sheepherding job up on the mountain. We get some classic cowboy erotica as they share whiskey by the fire and Jack sneaks furtive glances at Ennis washing his privates.
Our cowgirl crew was hollering “hell yes!” when Ennis finally has the sense to snuggle down with Jack one cold night and our man Jack spits into his palm to create that all purpose cowboy lubricant.
“I aint queer,” says Ennis. “Me neither,” says Jack. Oh heck no fellas you’re just doing what comes naturally after a day in the saddle. Pass the biscuits.
After all the moaning and grabbing and some hot post-sex wrestling and cigarette smoking, Jack and Ennis get caught by the rancher who is of course pissed that his cowboys are stemming the rose instead of guarding his sheep. “You guys sure found a way to make time pass up there,” says boss man.
Jack wants to run off together and start ranching with Ennis. But sadly that’s just not to be in Signal, Wyoming in 1963.
The real disappointment comes in when Ennis’s wife Alma starts getting all weepy on us because she just Doesn’t Understand that cowboy love is a Force Of Nature. We want to watch Alma get stuffed and mounted under the stars too, but no. No scenic cowgirl longing in this movie.
We do get to see Jack’s wife, Lureen do some barrel racing suitably impressing Jack who ride bulls on the rodeo circuit. Lureen’s a fine little rodeo queen and good to go in the backseat. But she is diminished by a bad bleach job and gets all caught up in her work at the office. Happens to the best cowgirls.
Poor Jack cruises the rodeo bars and the rent boys in Mexico but just can’t get Ennis out on the trail enough to satisfy. “I’m not you,” he tells Ennis through his tears one morning. “I can’t make it on a few high altitude fucks a year.”
Well praise the Lord Jack, we understand. Us cowgirls would have watched those sheep for you and kept your womenfolk happy while you and Ennis ride off into the sunset. Let’s make the world safe for hot cowboy love.